Grieving for Aarif has been the most challenging ‘imtehan’ of my life. My grief knew no bounds but as a mother, wife, daughter and daughter-in-law, I had to support the grief of everyone around me, as well. It can be difficult to search for the strength to give to others when your own tears and mourning leave you feeling totally spent and empty inside. The process of healing was a long and difficult one with the usual unanswered questions, feelings of immense sorrow and inability to go on with day to day affairs. The support of loved ones, family, friends and community, was like a constant cushion against the pain that threatened to consume our family, and yet we began to realize that true healing would have to come from within ourselves.

I have learned that for many, the subject of bereavement or death may not be the most comfortable one to talk about, more so for those who have been closely affected by it. In fact, people often shun it and would rather talk about something else, and yet it is that reality of life which presents itself all the time as a constant reminder of our mortality. So when it does come, how do we deal with it? When an elderly or ailing member of a family , say a grandparent, for instance, passes away, there is a good chance that their children and other members have mentally and emotionally conditioned themselves to this normal progression in life. The parents would have probably talked and explained to the younger ones that there will come a time when they would have to say goodbye to grandma or granddad. It's a kind of preparation for that time when it does come. Of course the sense of loss and pain is still there and nothing can change that.

However, the situation is totally different when a young person, a child passes away. The pain manifests itself many, many times over. The family is suddenly caught in this hurricane of deep pain, profound sense of loss and bewilderment that leaves the world around them shattered and changed forever. Things just don't make sense anymore.

The family unit can suffer when such a tragedy occurs within it and everyone grieves in their own way. For all of us, this was a lesson that made sense very slowly because we were so deep in our own pain that we looked at each other through a blurry haze of grief. The hearts and minds are not able to comprehend; emotions are tossed around in turmoil. Healing can go through a cycle which spins back and forth instead of like climbing a mountain with an upward trend. Sometimes you can wake up feeling that you will now be able to cope, and yet, there are days everything seems futile again. On top of that, you are living with others who are experiencing their own fluctuations and cycles. I have learned that what is required is unending patience and understanding. This is the only way that one can wait for the other to catch up on the road of recovery. If the family unit is not strong to begin with it can be destroyed since each one may perceive the other as being selfish or uncaring of the deceased or personally isolated and unloved.

I feel that there comes a point when the parents are faced with two options: to either give up the world and resign to grief for the rest of their lives, or to go on, but look at life from a changed and totally different perspective and try to gather the strewn pieces of life once again.

The Qur’an – ‘How it continues to heal my wounded heart’

Ultimately, I found true healing in the one thing that gave me the solace and answers that I was seeking: the Holy Qur’an. Deep pondering, analyses and discussions of the Quran gave me the answers to the questions and thoughts that had been plaguing me and I cannot begin to describe the immense feeling of relief I was experiencing. My fears of the unknown were being allayed, and I felt at peace with God, with myself, with what had happened around me. I was comforted by the fact that death was not annihilation and that my son was now in a better existence, in the safest of hands and in His Divine Mercy and Compassion, we would be re-united again, some day.  The recitation and reflection of the Quran, itself, began to fill me up with a sense of well-being and love. Together, with a group of friends, I embarked on tadabbur  group discussions and the Quran offered philosophies on living, death, loss, after-life, Allah (s.w.t)’s compassion, mercy and will. I would say, with full conviction that the Holy Quran truly saved me.

There are ethical and moral aspects that death attaches itself to and a deep understanding of what religion teaches us on the philosophy and purpose of life, death and the hereafter can become instrumental in helping the family to comprehend, reflect and accept. Perhaps most beautiful of all, is that when the mind  just cannot comprehend due to it's limitations, we can find solace and comfort in just submitting to Allah's will, knowing that in His hands there can be nothing but good even if that 'good' appears in a way that is hard to accept.

People often ask me what wisdom I have gained in bringing up my children. Would I do anything differently if I had the chance to bring up my child once again?

The death of a child will always remain one of the most painful experiences in any person's life for the simple reason that we love and care for our children so much. A mother-child relationship is probably one of the most unconditional kinds there ever will be. A mother's love defies all norms and reasoning. We love our children no matter what and we value them so much that many times we ask ourselves "Am I doing enough for my child?" The truth is you can never do enough. No matter what their age, there is always something to impart and in order to do that, we need to be knowledgeable ourselves to ensure that they have a good foundation in human relationship. This way we can help to mould them into happy, caring, successful members of the family, community and society at large with a good sense of values, the quality to distinguish between right and wrong and act accordingly. A good education, healthy sports life, love and support at home cannot be over-emphasized. Many times our children face their share of growing pains, especially as they approach adolescence. Give them their space. They usually need extra doses of patience, understanding and firm advice at these times. The important thing is to be there for them whenever they need you. No matter what a rough day they may have had out there, the feeling of knowing that everything will be all right when they come home is what is so important. It is important that we as mothers endeavour to do our best for our children so that when they grow up into the wonderful people we want them to be, we can sit back and enjoy the fruits of our toil and labour. If, on the other hand, destiny parts them from us, we may at least have the comfort and consolation of having given them the best that we could.

Over the past years since Aarif's death, I have slowly come to terms with the many unfulfilled dreams and expectations that I, like any mother, had built in my heart. This difficult process, which I continue to undergo, has had its own small miracles.  Friends and family have recounted detailed anecdotes about the different ways that Aarif had helped or touched their lives. Some spoke of Aarif's acts of kindness, others remembered working alongside him towards some social cause (volunteering at leper colonies and orphanages) and many described conversations where he had said wise and caring words. Hearing these stories from adults and his own peers has illuminated a wonderful, hidden side of my son's life that I had never known about and the joy this gives me has filled my heart with pride and love. Aarif, being the modest person that he was, had not revealed the extent of his affectionate and caring nature to me until after his death.  Allah (s.w.t) had truly blessed me with a gift to savor all my life. Even in death, Aarif has managed to fulfill the dreams and expectations that every mother has. I knew that someday my son would make me really proud of him.

Article appeared in:
-Toronto, Canada - Jaffari News magazine, 2001
- Federation Samachar, April 2004